Love Lost & Found
Relationship Status, September 9, 2017: Sitting on a make shift bed on the floor of a small unfinished cabin in my back yard while my house is rented out. My grow lights come on, waking me up at 5am every morning. Today I went back to bed for a few hours. Then woke up and started writing.
I’m still alone, but never lonely. Growing stronger in fact. Contemplating all the experiences I’ve had while trying to date over the past year. It’s amazing how much you can realize in a month. I’m finding it so complex that I have resorted to writing things down as advice for future self.
Watching those I have interacted with, I’m starting to get a sense of the dual nature of love, and how falling in love can be both a good and bad thing, depending on where you are in life.
Relationship Status, August 2017: Alone but not lonely. In love with who I am (or am not), what I have (or have not), and in love with a woman who may or may not exist.
I call her Hot Chocolate.
Sitting on the balcony of a small flat, watching the clouds crowd the crescent moon as it sets over Spenard.
A great musical compilation from a friend plays in the background.
I’ve just been set free, unleashed unto the world by this new found love. I’m complete. I know my boundaries. I’m taking care of myself, taking it day by day.
I don’t owe it to my strengths, but to opening up and letting myself be vulnerable, learning from my mistakes and failures. It takes two to realize my vulnerabilities so I owe it to the few I’ve opened up to.
Don’t worry about me. Life is good.
I can’t complain. I’ve only opened up three times. Each of these three times, I’ve opened up to someone amazing. Though each I’ve lost or let go of, I’ve gained immensely from.
At some point after the low of having lost love or having expectations unmet, you learn to let go. This is the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have little in the way of a support network of friends/family. Search yourself. Search outside yourself. Search above yourself. Pray. Meditate. Wait and wait and wait for it. Beating this love thing to light.
I’ve been watching my level of happiness when assisting others through throughout the years, whether family, friends or significant others. I found myself helping even when they weren’t asking. It was a sign I was just projecting my own pain and getting off on helping, feeling important. Everyone heals differently. I found for myself the following, and this may apply to you (but if not, that’s okay): On healing